Canada has a new hero, folks, and it’s this guy:
He’s important. Not just because of those hypnotic baby-blue eyes, but because Benjamin Charles “Down-Town Chuck” Browne is a champion. And I’m here to tell you, ladies and gentleman, it was no easy road for Chuck. In fact, the Cinderella-story of Chuck’s rise from the ashes is actually such a miracle that you may, after hearing it, find yourself weeping with a newly-fueled hope for life.
Chuck was born with some disadvantages.
- He had a birthmark on his arm that looked exactly like a maple-leaf tattoo.
- He had fragile front teeth. People probably called him “girly tooth” or “wussy-smile-dorky-face.”
- He was not raised in the land of freedom. He was raised just north of it.
- At an early age he had the ability to grow an amazing dark beard. That, along with his perfectly blue eyes, was enough to impress the people he met. Therefore, Chuck never had a need to develop the skills that truly matter: Croquet skills.
Chuck’s croquet skills were known throughout his province as a joke. The local merchants and syrup distributors would laugh at young Chuck as he clumsily walked the streets, fumbling with his mallet, ever searching for lost croquet balls. Yes, it was often hard for Chuck to find his balls. Even the Royal Canadian Mounties would sit high on their horses and laugh as little Chuck would lose match after match.
He made up for his croquet follies by acquiring skills in beatboxing, academics, ninjitsu and flirting. His beard, when grown, would make the ladies forget about his croquet handicaps and they’d soon find themselves waiting by the phone, hoping he would call. Chuck had no problem with the ladies. He ended up marrying Julie Walche, an American, and the girl of his dreams. But Chuck was still haunted by his one failure. He would stay awake dreaming of croquet courses, long-distance poison shots, and trophies he had never earned. Julie would try to encourage him, but even as a supportive wife she had trouble believing Chuck could ever perform.
As an adult, Chuck became my friend. Sensing his passion for the “gentleman’s sport” I invited him to many friendly croquet matches. Though he offered no real competition, I enjoyed his company and his stories of Canada’s unique cultural quirks. So I invited him time and time again. Chuck NEVER ONCE took first, never second, and never third place.
Constant failure didn’t deter Chuck. His spirit was never broken. He was like that fat hobbit guy in “Rudy.” He entered major league croquet tournaments, such as the Vivian Open, the Cherry Hill Regionals, and even the world’s biggest croquet tournament: the MOUSTACHE INVITATIONAL. For five years, Chuck NEVER ONCE took first, never second, and never even third place.
Seriously. He never came close to winning.
But then, like Bruce Willis at the end of “Sixth Sense,” something unexpected happened.
It was a very cold day. The coldest day in Moustache Invitational history. Snow was spackled all over the course. Mother Nature was ready to kick every competitor in the man-parts, yet every competitor showed up with a will to perform and achieve victory. Every competitor including Chuck Browne.
Other athletes had looked at the roster and laughed at the sight of Chuck’s name. They laughed harder as they realized Chuck had only a fake moustache (he had to shave for a job interview, hoping to feed his wife and child).
Returning champion Caleb Stott, arriving from Arizona, carefully studied the strategies of his fierce competition, like Scottie or myself. But Caleb paid no attention to Chuck. No one did.
The first round began. Scottie made incredible gains along the course. All the athletes focused on each wicket with the intensity of a spartan mother about to give birth to a unicorn. Even rookie sensation Dan Nelson made impressive shots conquering obstacles that included “Blue Ball Hill” the “Battle Zone” and the especially challenging “Keeper Pot Hole.” Chuck lagged behind. He was passed by. He was estimated to be nothing but entertainment. But that estimation would ultimately turn out to be an underestimation.
Chuck finished the first round with negative-one point. That’s right. Less than zero. It was what we all expected would happen.
Scottie was in first place, having already earned eight points. I was tied with Caleb for second place. Chuck was only ahead of Connor, who was literally half-asleep the whole time, even after a ball was aimed and shot directly at his genitals (that’s another story all together).
At the beginning of round 2, something happened. The sun came out, the barbecue grill yielded up some delicious wieners and chicken breasts to satisfy the hearty appetites of the athletes.
More importantly, something happened when Chuck took to the field to begin his second round. Though it may sound strange, though it may seem unbelievable, the birds seemed to chirp in harmony. The wind seemed to whisper Chuck’s name. The grass seemed to grow a little greener around his feet. Chuck Browne was committed. His jaw was clenched. He thought of Julie and the sad look he didn’t want to again see on her face. He was not going to give up. He had endured, he had prayed, he had hoped… and his body filled itself with fire.
As the other competitors were distracted by the usual front-runners, Chuck began to dominate. He was the first one through the first wicket on top of Blue Ball Hill. He made amazing long distance shots through the Battle Zone wicket. Next thing we knew, Chuck had made it halfway through the course long before anyone else. We wrote it off as a soon-to-end fluke.
Devin battled Scottie, Connor battled Caleb, I battled anorexia as I ate my third polish sausage. Amidst these battles, all of a sudden, we realized Chuck had just completed the course. Before any of us. Were we dreaming? No. Freak no. It was real life.
Chuck had just set a personal record. He tried to remain calm, as he knew his work was only beginning. Yes he had finished the course, a milestone in his life, but he still had to perform as a “poison ball” and eliminate the other athletes from the course before he could win.
As his competitors, we felt a mix of fear and admiration. Those of us who knew Chuck’s background felt a little happy for him, but our own greed for possession of the trophy kept us from giving up or laying down our mallets.
Now a “poison” player, Chuck began eliminating us, one-by-one. First he picked off Caleb. Then he rampaged on me, Scottie, Dan, Connor… everyone. It came down to Devin, who had just managed to eek his way past Chuck’s killing spree and complete the course. Devin, now a poison ball, began to face off against Chuck.
Chuck had never been in this position before. A lesser man like LeBron James may have choked under the pressure. Chuck’s palms were way gross, sweaty, and a little hairy. His lips trembled, forcing smiles to disguise his true emotions of anxiety and excitement. Chuck felt his Canadian ancestors watching him from whatever heaven Canadians go to.
Devin aimed. Devin took his shots. Devin missed.
Chuck aimed. Chuck took a shot. Devin was killed.
The crowd erupted. As we rushed to Chuck, cheering and chanting his name, hoisting him upon our shoulders, I almost cried. Chuck had a light in his eye I had never seen before. Never one to sacrifice sportsmanship or gentlemanship, Chuck began shaking hands, congratulating his opponents on a well fought battle. Even the dethroned Caleb and the one-time leader Scottie had to smile and praise the champion.
Scottie finished with seven points. Chuck had an official Moustache Invitational record of ten points earned. No one has ever earned that many points in two rounds. Chuck earned them all in one. No other player had ever finished the course as efficiently and eliminated every single other player. Ever.
Forget Alanis Morisette. Forget the guys from Nickleback. Sandra Bullock who? Ryan Reynolds who? Wake up Canada. You have a new hero.
This is a shout-out to the radness of Down Town Chuck Browne and a performance that will go down in history.
Good work my friend. May your hammer continue to be so mighty.
It’s a New York Times Bestseller about a famous US President slaughtering vampires, and yes, I’m fully aware the movie is coming out soon. That’s how I came to read it in the first place.
